¡Marchando una de Pizza!

“Oh, the times they are a changing…”

Pues estaba yo muy contento de andar por mi casa como los dioses me trajeron al mundo, tan fresco, por esto de los calores , cuando se me ocurrió llamar a Piza Hut por aquello de que me daba pereza freírme un huevo (me refiero a los de gallina, claro).

Me sentía feliz porque al fin estaba solo , en la creencia de que las cámaras que el Big Brother del Gobierno tenía instaladas en mi 'home' habían sido desconectadas por esto del verano y han dado vacaciones a los 'mirones y espías de turno'. Hasta la Señora de la Vogue que he oído que tiene ahora asuntos más importantes que atender - ¡qué cotilla es la gente!- había desistido de pinchar mi teléfono y el Sr. Rubalcaba - este señor tendría que cuidarse un poco porque cada día le encuentro más demejorado de tanto maquinar - había dicho al CNI que dejara de espiar mi correo mientras dura ese 'Proceso de no sé qué'...

Respiraba yo pues a pleno pulmón, sin partidos de fútbol que seguir, sin reposiciones de 'Verano Azul', casi sin incendios, sin apenas más preocupación que la de que nos quiten los 'puntos'. Hasta al Tour de todos los julios le había mandado a tomar 'par le sac' así que me las prometía muy felices pudiendo hacer lo que me saliera de los 'eggs', cuando tuve la desatrosa idea de telefonear Pizza Hut ( Lean lo que sucedió...)

• Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
• Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
• Operator: I must have your NIDM first, sir.
• Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's, 3897950001-54-66689.
• Operator: Thank you Mr. Phelps. I see your E-mail address is, phelps@home.net and that you live at, 8257 Private Drive. Your home phone number is, 505-7633, your office number over at Brave New World Insurance is, 254-7697 and your cell number is, 733-7433. Which number are you calling from sir?
• Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?
• Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.
• Customer: The HSS, what is that?
• Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. It will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
• Customer: (sighs) Oh well — I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
• Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
• Customer: Whaddya mean?
• Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
• Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
• Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
• Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
• Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
• Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
• Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
• Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
• Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
• Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
• Operator: That may not work either, sir. Your checking account is also overdrawn.
• Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
• Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
• Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
• Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
• Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^*^&$%^$@#!
• Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
• Customer: (speechless)
• Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
• Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
• Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

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